If Democrat Healthcare “Reform” Was Applied to Other Kinds of Insurance

Life Insurance

1) “I’m sorry but your husband died of cancer and that’s not on our Approved Causes List.”

“Approved Causes List? What causes of death do you approve?”

“Strangulation by an enraged artichoke.”


“Um, is that all?”

“Yes. We consider everything else to be uncovered.”

Consumer flips frantically through several hundred pages of Coverage Information. “It doesn’t say anything about artichokes in here.”

“No. You should have asked.”

“About artichokes?”

“It was your responsibility. Don’t look at me. The Congress says so.”


2) “Your father isn’t covered because he died of old age.”

“But that’s why he bought life insurance. You mean dying of old age isn’t allowed?”

“Well, it’s allowed but we don’t pay benefits. Old age is a pre-existing condition. Page 3012, Paragraph 1600 Z-Prime, Line 5478 under the heading Unimportant Definitions You Don’t Have to Pay Any Attention To and Should Ignore Completely. Here. Use my magnifying glass.”


3) “I’m sorry. No Benefits.” Stamp stamp stamp.

“Wait a minute! My mother paid her premiums on time for 46 years.”

“Not relevant.”

“Not relevant?”

“In looking at her past medical history – ”

“Hey! How did you get that?”

“Tut. We’re an insurance company, dear. We are om-nee’-po-tent. In looking at your mother’s medical history I see that she drank at least one cup of coffee every day, smoked cigarettes for several years when she was in college, and admits to an ‘occasional’ (yeah, right) glass of wine. Clearly her lifestyle was in violation of our Healthy Bodies clause.”

“My mother was hit by a bus. What’s her college days have to do with it?”

“They prove a pre-disposition to risky behavior. She was probably drunk when she stepped in front of the bus. Or high on caffeine. In either case, she violated her policy. Death benefits denied. Next!”

Car Insurance

1) Dial dial dial.

“Hello? Um, I had an accident – ”

“Claim denied.”


Dial dial dial.

“Hello? I just called and we were cut off.”

“That’s because I hung up on you. Claim denied. End of story.”


Dial dial dial.


“But you don’t even know how it happened.”

“Doesn’t matter. You’re not covered.”

“What? Why not?”

“Look, do you know what would happen if we actually paid claims? We wouldn’t be able to pay our investors 37% per year and our executives wouldn’t be able to buy fancy cars and ocean-going yachts and then what would happen to the economy? Crash, that’s what. And that would hurt you. So we decided not to pay any claims. That will save the economy. We’re doing it for you. We’re heroes. [Via] So quit bitchin.”


2) “So this paper says my accident isn’t covered and I want to know why.”

“It’s very simple. You’re a woman and you made a left turn.”


“At least 12% of the population are against left turns. We here at GetItWhileYouCan Auto Insurance believe that we should not offend this very important if hopelessly marginal segment of our target market because they’re very noisy and we’re scared of them. The Congress of the United states agrees. Therefore we have decided that no women who make left turns will be covered. Right turns are acceptable.”

“What’s the difference?”

“The hopelessly marginal but loud people say left is immoral but right is OK.”

“But I live on a one-way street and my house is on the left.”

“Leave your car on the street.”

“What happens if it gets vandalized?”

“You won’t be covered.”

“Then why am I buying car insurance if I’m not covered for anything because I’m a woman?”

“Because we made the government make it a law that everybody who drives has to have insurance.”

“Even if it doesn’t cover them?”

“Especially if it doesn’t cover them. That’s the beauty of it. You’re pure profit to us.”

5 responses to “If Democrat Healthcare “Reform” Was Applied to Other Kinds of Insurance

  1. 1. Thanks for the link.

    2. Great post!

  2. While I think these dialogues are quite funny, I disagree that they are comparable to health care reform. My take is that these would result if other kinds of insurance followed the policy guidelines of health insurance companies.

  3. PurpleGirl: Policy guidelines which the new “reform” bill would guarantee. A NY DemRep named Massa refused to vote for the bill precisely because it enforced such insurance policies, OKed them, and locked them in place instead of outlawing them which is what the legislation should have done. Essentially, the other kinds of insurance companies would now be perfectly justified in instituting the same kinds of idiot policies. Thus the satire.

  4. Satisfaction with medicare is very high. Satisfaction with private insurance reimbursement hassles and refusals due to arbitrary reasons is very low.

    Democrats should have kept it to a simple option to buy into a medicare-like plan. Really, the public option could be just that, but that would take a willingness to stand with a majority of Americans against entrenched interests (= unthinkable in US politics). It’s a darn shame if you ask me.

    There is a de facto monopoly of insurance providers for many many Americans, which is a pretty good reason for a public option.

    There is a moral objection to exploiting a human necessity for a profit, an objection that carries a lot of weight in most of the world, and that’s a better reason for a single-payer system IMO.

    To be frank, I do not believe you fairly characterize any legislation out there. Can you provide a link? Everyone else reads it a bit differently.

  5. The morons in congress intend to use the commerce clause to force citizens to buy private health insurance — even though we can’t afford it. IRS liens/jail for non compliant.

    The commerce clause has never been used that way and shouldnt be…insurance is an INTRAstate enterprise, regulated and licensed in and by individual states. Commerce governs INTERstate commerce.

    What’s to stop the 535 imbicile whores in congress from requiring us to buy American cars, clothes, or any product whose producer pays off enough congress people to get such favored legislation passed? oh, NOTHING?

    Time to excise EVERYONE from government, including soon to be one term Preznit, Snobama. And I was really hoping he was sincere… but he’s just another corporate/banking tool as well.

    Time for Mr. Smith to go to Washington. Are there any?

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