What If the Arguments Defending the Bush Criminals Were Applied to Everyone?


This is what you’d hear in your average courtroom if justice for the Bushies was justice for all:

Prosecutor: And so Mr Rummysfelt has admitted that he knocked an elderly woman on the head with a tire iron in order to steal her purse after she cashed her Social Security check.

Judge:(to Defense) So your client is pleading guilty?

Defense: No, Your Honor, my client isn’t pleading at all. My client wants the charges dropped.

Judge:(surprised) On what grounds, Counselor?

Defense: It’s for the good of the victim’s family, Your Honor.

Judge: How’s that?

Defense: A long trial will simply force them to relive the horror again and again. It’s best for us all if we simply forget about poor Mrs MacGillicuddy and get on with our lives. My client feels that it would be a mistake for Mrs MacGillicuddy’s family to become mired in the past when they should be looking forward to the future.

P: Mr Rummysfelt killed Mrs MacGillicuddy, Your Honor. Killed her dead.

D: I object! The Prosecutor is engaged in a vendetta against my client, Your Honor. It’s a clear case of personal revenge. Simply because Mr Rummysfelt broke a few minor laws –

P: Murder isn’t a “minor law”, Your Honor.

D: – the Prosecutor wants to put my client in jail. It’s ridiculous. After all, Mr Rummysfelt only beat that useless woman to death in order to buy his poor sick mother an operation. And it isn’t as if the MacGillicuddys can’t use the life insurance payout. I mean if you think of it the way Mr Rummysfelt was thinking about it, he did them a favor. Surely you’re not going to send a man to prison for a moment of extreme generosity?

P: (gasping) Extreme what?!

J: Well –

D: Think of all the horrible publicity the MacGillicuddys and the Rummysfelts will have to endure, their names dragged through the mud in the liberal press as if Mr Rummysfelt was some kind of criminal or somwething. Why, my client has already been referred to as a confessed murderer in the New York Times. Hasn’t he suffered enough?

P: He is a confessed murderer. How can the truth damage him?

D: There you go again, looking for revenge. You are harrassing my client just to get back at him for the time he planted your mother in the wrong cemetary plot.

P: What?

D: A trial could do great damage by hurting his reputation, Your Honor. My client is an undertaker and the Prosecutor is trying to destroy his business out of revenge and retribution. It’s unconscionable!

J: (confused) But he confessed.

D: No, he didn’t. He simply said he didn’t care when his legal advisors told him it was would be against the law to beat an old woman to death with a tire iron to steal her Social Security check, and he was going to go ahead and do it anyway. That’s only a confession of intent. Later, after the deed had been done, he found me, J Cheever Loophole, and I assured him that for a downpayment of half of Mrs MacGillicuddy’s Social Security check I would render him a legal opinion that said she deserved being beaten over the head with a tire iron because she was a terrorist.

P: A terrorist? She was 87.

D: Well, if she wasn’t a terrorist, then of course my legal advice doesn’t stand but Mr Rummysfelt had no way of knowing she wasn’t a terrorist. She could have been a terrorist. She has a funny last name.

P: It’s Irish.

D: It sounded Arabic to Mr Rummysfelt, and Mrs MacGillicuddy was wearing a Muslim headscarf when Mr Rummysfelt was protecting himself from her attack.

P: What attack?

D: When she refused to give Mr Rummysfelt the money he decided he was entitled to, that was an attack on him. At the time of the incident, he was under attack and thought Mrs MacGillicuddy was a terrorist and so he believed he had the right to do what he did and that he was, as I said, helping her family besides. I move the case be dismissed on the grounds that no purpose is to be served by raking up the past.

J: Very well. (bangs gavel) I find Defense’s arguments compelling. Case dismissed.

P: But…I…

The judge was, of course, a Bush appointee.

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