I took issue with T Hussein Miss over at Mississippifarian because it seemed to me that his humor might finally have reached the point where it killed people – or at least their arteries. He wrote:
[T]he Fair goers go ever northwards into the realm of chocolate-dipped bacon and more things on a stick than are dreamt of in heaven or cleaned up after on earth.
That was too much for me. I replied:
These are jokes, right? Not actual items for sale at the Fair. Not even Minnesotans could be that clueless. Or tasteless.
You shouldn’t kid around about stuff like that. What if some innocent boob thinks you’re serious? You could have cholesterol-induced heart explosions on your hands and that would be bad. Also messy.
I was also concerned about those amorphous, threatening things on a stick. “Like what?” I asked. It seemed a harmless enough question until a certain “Tild”, one of his regular readers, left me a link to a menu that she claimed had 71 things-on-sticks featured, and I had to wonder: was this shit real? Or was I the victim of a tasteless (literally) practical joke?
“OK, Tild. You’re playing with me. That link goes to a list of restaurants and only some of them serve things on sticks. Most of the food is pretty ordinary but a few items did catch my attention, and I wouldn’t have believed them if I hadn’t seen them with my own eyes.
“(Altho I’m still somewhat suspicious, knowing from Mark what a graphics whiz you are. You could have invented a phishing site pretending to be a Fair Food Finder just for me but since there’s a whole website with multiple links, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. For now. Still, some of these things have to be made up. Don’t they?)
APPLE LIL’S: chocolate covered cheesecake on-a-stick (vanilla, key lime)
This can’t be real. How can you get cheesecake to stay on a stick, fer gawd’s sake. It can’t be done. It’d be like trying to roast ice cream over a fire – physiologically impossible.
But that is as nothing next to:
AXEL’S: macaroni and cheese on-a-stick
Are you seriously telling me that somebody sits behind a curtain somewhere sticking cooked macaronis on a piece of wood, then covering them with cheese?
This one is terrifying.
BAYOU BOB’S GATOR SHACK: cajun seasoned alligator sausage on-a-stick
Alligator sausage!!? Does it include snouts and teeth? Don’t know but you can get, and I quote, a side order of “fried alligator legs”. Yum!
Then there’s a bit of irony. The shish kebob people, who you would think would be the leaders when it comes to putting things on sticks, have abandoned sticks altogether and are sliding their cubed things into tortillas instead!
BEEF KEBOBS: Grilled kabobs on a flour tortilla (beef, chicken)
But if you think you’re out of the woods, look again. We’re still only in the B’s! We haven’t yet reached the horrors of peanut butter hot dogs (the Blue Moon ) or, of course, the (gulp *shudder*) fried Snickers on a stick….;
DEEP FRIED CANDY BARS (the name says it all): Batter dipped, deep fried candy bars on-a-stick (Snickers, Milky Way, Three Musketeers, Reeses Peanut Butter Cups), deep fried Oreo cookies, fresh squeezed lemonade.
Lemonade? With fried candy? What are these people thinking?
There is something positively sinister about the Minnesota Fair. People are dying because of it, more every years I suspect. Is it the Cotton candy? the popcorn? or the DEEP FRIED CANDY BARS??
Gosh. I wonder.
PS. And what, pray tell, are “Elephant Ears”? Please don’t tell me they’re anything weird, like real elephant ears fried in beer batter and dipped in maple-sugar-flavored chocolate sauce. Please, I beg you, if that’s what they are, DON’T TELL ME!!
I’m in a very delicate state right now and the blunt truth could send me spinning up to Minnesota to see these monstrous concoctions with my own eyes.