White House Proves Alzheimer’s a Virus


There has been no scientific evidence of it up to now but recent developments in the Congress have, I believe, proved fairly conclusively that Alzheimer’s is viral in nature and suggests that the carrier of this dread disease is none other than Alberto Gonzales.

Consider: ever since Gonzo’s first appearance before the House Judiciary Committee when he uttered the phrases “I don’t remember” or “I can’t recall” some 55 times in the course of the first 2 hours, a rash of Administration witnesses have appeared who were unable to remember key sections of their lives.  Monica Goodling, GSA Administrator Lurita Doan, Kyle Sampson, and what seems like dozens of others appear to have lost access to their memory centers, saying they “can’t recall” who they are, what they’re doing in the White House, or what exactly the “Constitution” might be. 

Mr Gonzales’ case seems from his latest testimony to have advanced to the stage where he can barely remember his own name. He can’t describe his position, his duties, or his role in the government, answering as if he thinks he works for Karl Rove in the political office. He became confused whenever anyone referred to him as the “Attorney General”, insisting that he worked for the president directly in much the same capacity as Bebe Rebozo used to work directly for Nixon – getting him coffee, fluffing his pillows, and answering “Yes sir” to anything Bush says.

As the disease advances, more and more WH occupants are showing signs of having contracted it. Just this past week Dick Cheney and ex-DefSec Donald Rumsfeld both independently answered “I can’t remember” or “I don’t recall that” to questions concerning significant and highly-publicized events. Rumsfeld at one point denied categorically that he’d ever heard of anyone named Pat Tillman, let alone that he stage-managed the story that Tillman was a hero killed by the enemy even though reports from the very beginning pointed to friendly fire as the culprit.

Mr Bush himself seems to have forgotten his support of health care for children and his consistent promises over a period of years to expand it, this week doing a complete 180 and threatening to veto the bill that will do just that and claiming despite voluminous evidence to the contrary that he has always been against it.

The only possible explanation for all this, since we are assured by virtually every Beltway pundit and right-wing commentator in the country that none of these people could conceivably be stooping to lie, dissemble, or prevaricate, must be that Gonzales’ mutant strain of Alzheimer’s is contagious and now infects a majority of the inmates of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Memories – and minds, such as they are – are being erased even as we speak.

We would likely be facing an epidemic of national proportions were it not for the fortunate fact that the stricken population lives inside a bubble of its own device, rarely if ever connecting in any significant way with the outside world. The epidemic is therefore largely self-contained already. All that needs to be done now is to remove Bush and Cheney from power – for their own good, of course – and turn the govt over to Nancy Pelosi and the Democrats in Congress, quarantine the Republicans who have met with the president and/or Gonzales (members of the Bush Administration do not meet with Democrats, so they’re safe from contamination), quarantine the Oval Office and environs, and then let the Center for Disease Control assume responsibility for the care of the inmates and and for researching this new and deadly virus before it spreads any further.

If we do not take these simple steps to protect ourselves and our country, we will be to blame for the catastrophic results.

We must act NOW, before those infected with this terrible disease have a chance to mingle with healthy citizens. It’s the least we can do.

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2 responses to “White House Proves Alzheimer’s a Virus

  1. I agree except for one thing. Today, Democrats and Republicans are nothing but 2 cheeks on the same ass. That virus that infected the Reps, also infected the Dems. And if it doesn’t show any symptoms, it’s either in remission or that person is a carrier. None of them are immune to it.

  2. Tsk tsk. No, no, no. The Democrats are burdened with an entirely different form of cachexia: spinal befuddlementia, or confusion of the backbone with pudding. Their memories are perfectly fine but they dissolve into a puddle of tapioca whenever anyone suggests they actually, you know, do something about what they remember.

    Not the same pathology at all.

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