Housekeeping #17


I don’t know if it’s actually #17 or not–I didn’t bother to spend an hour searching through the archives just to figure it out–but it’s as good a starting point as any.

First, you will notice that the Omnium Archives are no longer housed in the Pyramid Building in San Francisco. We discovered that the Pyramid is located directly over the San Andreas fault and decided it was prudent to move this precious resource to a safer repository before Ahnud lives up to his image and makes California the second US state with its own nuclear weapons (Kansas was the first but I’m reasonably sure they’d never use them against the rest of us; with Ahnud it’s impossible to know that for certain). They have therefore been moved to the British Library where they will reside cheek-by-jowl alongside Henry VIII’s recipe for blackbird pie (which does NOT, contrary to myth, call for 23 cloves of peppercorn and a bag of garlic) and Shakespeare’s first love poem, reportedly written in chalk and found on the wall of a privy in Stratford-on-Avon:

Fshe walked with Buty in the dirt.
So Aye clutched and lofted up her skirt–
Wow!

I should perhaps add that there is some controversy over the authenticity of this poem but Tony Blair says that MI6 did an exhaustive study and reached the conclusion that it was genuine, which is good enough for me. Besides, I think it sounds just like him, don’t you?

Second, arch-Contributor Seattle has returned to the fold after a lengthy unexcused absence (he assures me that a note from his mother is forthcoming but I’ll believe it when I see it)–those who have been paying attention will have already remarked upon the noisy blizzard of posts with which he announced his re-emergence from The Darkness.

His absence may be unexcused but it is at least explained. Thus:

That’s him in front, looking like he’s about to plunge headlong into the whitecapped deeps, and not because he wants to.

Third, he has finally provided biographical material on himself which you can find here, though I’m not sure I’d bother if I were you. The picture he draws of himself is entirely unbelievable. Nobody could be that…normal. Where are the anomalies? the records of arrests? the pork-pie hats? the confessions of his unrequited love affairs with Danielle Steel and Jackie Collins? the polar bears? He’s hiding something, I tell you.

Fourth, there is a new story at Snake Tales called ‘blind pierre’s fiddle’ which is based on a real incident–unusual for me.

That’s it for now. Have at it.

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