Outsourced Daddy

Well, why not? It makes as much sense as destroying an economy. If profitable corporations–and don’t kid yourselves; the companies doing the outsourcing aren’t companies on the edge of bankruptcy, they’re companies who were doing quite well, thank you very much, but ‘quite well’ wasn’t good enough–feel no compunction about destroying the economy of their home country in order to raise their stock price a few points, why should we feel any more compunction about destroying our families in the name of ‘efficiency’? Bruce Stockler explains.

Dear A., J., B. & H.:Thank you for the book, DVD and James Gandolfini beach blanket, but I will forward them to Mr. Gupta, your new father, who lives in Bangalore, India (see attached map).

Please don’t cry or throw tantrums — I don’t want Mr. Gupta to take over the family under the wrong paradigm. I will always love each of you with all my heart, but it just isn’t practical for me to continue the work of being your daddy in today’s global economy.

Every organization must adapt to changes in the marketplace, and our family is no exception. To remove the unfair tax burden on Daddy’s domestic middle-class income, I will be generating offshore revenue streams that will provide all of you a higher standard of living. This is not to say that I expect you to grow up and sidestep any of your economic responsibilities, only that hard work does not always yield the intended reward.

Many Daddy-intensive activities, like jumping on the bed, disgusting-noise marathons and string-cheese spitting won’t be possible anymore. On the other hand, Mr. Gupta and his staff will be available 24/7 for technical and moral support.

Mr. Gupta will read bedtime stories over the family intranet. Even though you will be sitting alone in your beds, listening to the disembodied voice of a near total stranger, remember that you are lucky to live in America, home of Ben Franklin and Willie Mays and Hilary Duff, and that you could be growing up in France, where you’d have no father either, and be forced to listen to Édith Piaf, smoke cigarettes and make excuses for terrorism. So bedtime won’t be the same, but, then again, you always complained that bedtime was boring.

I’d say this sounds like a profitable idea for everyone and will help improve our quality of life by removing at least one irritant from it–Father’s Day. Let’s face it, fathers have been inefficient, redundant, and unncessary except as cash spigots for at least twenty years. We’re obsolete technology, and we have no place in modern society; there is no job we have left that cannot be done better over the internet from Indonesia or Kuala Lumpur. Our only previous function–fatherhood, not to bang this thing over the head any harder–has been, is being, and can be turned over to fertility and insemination clinics much more cheaply and with none of the messy and negative side effects of the old method–namely, having to deal with us.

Face it, women. You never much liked us anyway. We’re dirty, we smell, we have unholy and unexplainable attachments to watching other men in candy-colored uniforms pushing a ball across a painted line–or through a hoop or into a net or, worst and most useless of all, into a hole in the ground (what’s that about anyway? Is that some kind of sick metaphor?)–and we revere not sanctified womanhood (your natural preference) but powertools with handy attachments, especially powertools we will never in a million years actually use but which look stunning on the workbench and lend the basement an aura of cool, old-fashioned-male-like invincibility.

You don’t care for much of anything about us, in fact, and have made this abundantly clear over the centuries. In the last half of the last century, when technology and social changes removed everything for which you had previously needed us, you were only too happy to dump us without so much as a moment’s hesitation for vibrators and somebody you could hire to take the garbage out and set the clock on the VCR–we heard your audible sigh of relief on our way out the door to find a divorce lawyer who would turn out to be on your side.

So by all means, let’s improve the economy and our personal tax structure by adopting corporate methods. We have nothing to lose, after all. We’ve already lost it.

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