Bush Resigns!I couldn’t believe this when I read it. It can’t be true. We’re not that lucky. According to the New Yirk Tomes:
WASHINGTON–In a surprise announcement shortly after midnight Wednesday, President George W Bush resigned his office.”I can’t stand it any more,” he said, tears streaming down his cheeks. “The guilt is just too much for me.”
In an emotional appeal for forgiveness from the American people, Mr Bush said he regretted many of his actions over the last three years, especially the war in Iraq, which he admitted was totally unnecessary. “We was jest screwin’ around,” he said. The turning point came when he discovered that people had actually died during the invasion.
“Killed! Dead! Did you know that? I was shocked.” Wiping his eyes, he added, “Real life isn’t anything like it is on tv, is it? I never knew. I always thought it was, like, you know, video games.”
He also said he regretted the harm that had been caused to the environment, the economy, foreign relations, and American credibility during his Administration. “I was a lousy President,” he said candidly. “What was I thinking?”
Asked what he would do now, Mr Bush replied, “I thought I might maybe be a hermit, jest, you know, be alone and search my soul. If I have one. Do I? Have you seen it around anywhere? They say it’s like this shimmery thing, sort of like Tinkerbelle in Peter Pan. Does it talk? I liked that movie. Saw it 37 times.”
Mr Bush’s sudden change of mind was apparently precipitated by a vision. As he was looking out the window of his bedroom prior to retiring, down on the street he saw an enormous white rabbit leaning against a lamp-post. “I only had a couple of little drinkie-winkies, so I knew he was real.” The sighting changed his life.
“Harvey–that’s the rabbit’s name, Harvey, sort of a pansy name but he’s very butch–Harvey told me a lot of things I, you know, din’t know nothing about atall. He said lying was Bad.” Shocked, Mr Bush pressed Mr Harvey for further information. Mr Harvey told him about global warming, hunger, joblessness, and low wages. “I could never understand why people din’t jest buy their own damn health care, but Harvey explained to me as how they couldn’t afford it on $5.12 an hour! I tell yah, he opened my eyes.”
Explaining that Mr Harvey had convinced him he didn’t deserve to be President, Mr Bush said he decided that it would be better for the country if he stepped down before he did any more damage. “I’m a one-man wrecking-crew,” he joked. “Rin Tin Tin would be better qualified to run this country than I am.” Informed that Mr Tin had passed away, Mr Bush responded, “Even more qualified than I thought.”
Invoking a little-known Executive Order that Vice President Cheney had ordered him to sign in secret right after the Inauguration, Mr Bush announced that he now had the power to appoint his successor. Mr Cheney began to stand but Mr Bush waved him back to his seat. “Not you, Dick. You’re worse ‘n me,” he said. “Let Harvey do it. He knows all about disease and libraries and corruption and community colleges and the Constitution, shit like that.”
President Harvey could not be reached for comment.